Green-Eyed Monster

Provoking Tip #229: The Green-Eyed Monster

When high-waisted shorts on a dude still doesn't cause the average man to tilt his head or raise his brow, try having liquid/oil encased in plastic as a neckline and matching clutch with scalloped edges, while slathering your torso in a repulsive murky-green that resembles a close up shot of cartoon puke. Then slap on some Chevy-inspired green sunnies that give you alien eyes and jam your feet in chunky creeper shoes that make your feet look like irons! This would guarantee to not only provoke but to confuse the average pedestrian.

 

Either mommy dearest chugged one too many caffeinated beverages while she was preggers, or I seriously need to get my blood sugar level checked out, as every so often I get into Hyper Active Mode. The symptoms are machine-gun speed word vomit, incessant public dancing, or A.D.D. twitches that goes so fast I actually vibrate (human vibrator?). But the most common and classic symptom is the urge to pose ridiculously next to purely random things or within forbidden settings. Exhibit A: those cute little "photo machine booths" imported from presumably Japan located within video-game arcades infested with hormonally-suppressed teenage girls and joystick-crazed gameboys. It somewhat resembles a futuristic machine that could teleport to me to the moon (or better yet to Saint-Tropez cause I seriously need a beach vacay). My wayward conduct within the photo booth ended prematurely with the creepy maintenance guy peeping in informing me that I'm not allowed to stand on the machine. I actually almost replied "I'm not standing, I'm posing. Big Diff." But fortunately, I believe my outfit (and inappropriate posing) was provoking enough to distract him, nudging him to retreat while I quickly snapped the shots I needed and bolted. 

top & clutch CHRISTOPHER KANE, sunglasses PRADA, shorts BALENCIAGA, shoes JEFFREY CAMPBELL